I was going to have the house to myself this weekend and was really looking forward to having some alone time. My past behaviors, when I weighed 300+ pounds, was to get excited about what I would be eating. Now I pretty much eat the same things every week so I had a feeling of disappointment when I could not think of a “treat food” that I wanted to eat. I filled up my crockpot with vegetables, beans and barley to be set for the weekend. Then I went to the grocery store and loaded up on fruits, yogurt, and almond milk. I saw the bin with the tiny freshly made rolls each costing 35 cents. “Perfect,” I said to myself. “I will get four because my mother is coming over for our weekly Friday night dinner.”
I found myself feeling a bit anxious because I still wanted that “treat.” Plus, I realized the two day all day conference I signed up for was this weekend. I really want some alone time in my house. Why didn’t I realize the conference is the same weekend? Now I do not want to attend the conference. However, I have paid for the conference and in reality I do want to attend the conference. Add on the fact that I have not been sleeping well for the past two nights due to allergies and the fact that I am exhausted. Bottom line I was tired, stressed and disappointed. I wanted to be soothed and I wanted to be soothed now!
I was not in the mood or willing to use my learned coping mechanisms. I wanted food and lots of it. I purchased two packages of rice cakes and crispy pop rice snacks. Usually the only snacks I keep in the house are fruits and vegetables. Rice cakes, you might be saying to yourself, so what? I agree, in moderation there is nothing wrong with any type of snack. However, when behaviorally off track any food can lead you down a dangerous path. Nothing was filling my void. I ate peanutbutter on my rice cakes and still was not satisfied. I ate my soup and the rolls nothing was filling me up. I was not physically hungry, I was emotionally hungry and no food was ever going to fill my need.
Later that night, I got in my vehicle and drove to the ice cream parlor and ate a chocolate sundae. I am lactose intolerant and never eat ice cream, need I say more? Within an hour I was as sick as a dog. I ate 2,400 calories over my daily caloric allotment. Eventually I wound down and went to bed feeling horrible physically, mentally and emotionally.
I woke up around 4:00 am not feeling a bit rested. I was determined to learn and grow from this experience. I have not had a food binge in over 5 years. I spent time looking at and exploring my triggers. After I determined why it all went down hill, I came up with this game plan:
