Prison Dad or Just Dad?

The summer of 2018, one of my students lost his wife to Leukemia on his birthday, a birthday I am sure he will never forget.  Together they share five children, one is a doctor, two are in college, and two are minors.  Her death was a huge loss to the family.

Prison Dad

Last week my student got a “Dear John/Daddy” letter from his middle daughter.  It was a painful letter for him to receive.  However, upon closer inspection looking at the actual words and tone of the letter, he understands his little girl is hurting.  She is missing her Mom, feeling lost, and wants her dad.

Life Coaching helped him understand that all or nothing thinking comes from a place of pain.  She told him in so many words, I don’t know you, I don’t need you, so I don’t want you.  After he aligned himself (head, heart and gut) and started thinking and processing as a Dad he was able to read between her lines. 

Translation

He came up with some possible translations:  I know my mom better than you!  I would rather have my mom than you!  Why did she die and not you?

Dad

I explained to my student, kids feel pain the same as adults, but can’t always put their pain into words.  However take note, she took the time to write him a five-page letter, and in doing so, she gave him a real emotional gift. 

Yes, it was painful and he stated “It did not feel like a gift.”  I encouraged him to feel the pain and then figure out how he was going to parent his child. I explained, he had been given an opportunity to act like a real good dad.

The first thing he wanted to do was ask her what she needed from him.  Nope!  I told him, it is not her job to tell you how to be in a healthy relationship with her.  It was his job, as the dad, to figure out how to be a healthy dad to her.  

Prison Dad or Just Dad, It’s Your Choice!

Being a parent on any given day is hard work.  Just because a person is in prison does not mean they get a pass.  All children deserve a parent who strives to be the best parent they can be to their children.  Anyone can be a loving, caring, and involved parent if they are willing to get out of their own way and rise to the challenge.